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| One Liner Pantheon |
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q. Why do fags prefer ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
A. Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.
Q. What do you call a cockroach in a matchbox?
A. Mexican Tamagotchi.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What Do You Call Kids Born In Whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Q. Why did the deviate cross the road ?
A. Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
Q. Why do girls have cunts?
A. So guys will talk to them.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged!
Q. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A. A tearjerker.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. Define "Egghead"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him.
Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.
Q. How do you make Winnie The Pooh jealous?
A. By sticking your finger in his honey.
Q. Why are cowgirls bow-legged?
A. Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight.
Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off.
Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A. "How come?"
Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A. S&M&M.
Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.
Q. What's the definition of indefinitely?
A. When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in..definitely.
Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A. A scrotum pole.
Q. What's the ultimate in rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
A. There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
Q. What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.
Q. What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A. Miracle Whip.
Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A. A bingo machine.
Q. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A. Gladiator.
Q. What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.
Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
Q. If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A. A hole in it.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year.
Q. What is the definition of wicker box?
A. It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q. What is the similarity between women and prawns?
A. Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste good.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mom.
Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A. Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's toilet?
A. Say, "Nice dick."
Q. How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A. When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q. Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A. Because they have cotton balls.
Q. Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A. Palm Sunday
Q. Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A. Her navel.
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.
Q. What three two letter words denote "small"?
A. "Is it in?"
Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.
Q. If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A. Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q. Why did Chopper Reid move to Tasmania?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
Q. How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
A. He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the U.S. Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They're hiring.
Q. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary all have in common?
A. Men miss them all.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. Why aren't there any Kiwis on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q. What do you call an Kiwi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say fuck?
A. Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?
A. "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q. Do you know what the Unabomber and a 15-year old girl from Tasmania have in common?
A. They've both been fingered by their brother.
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. When does a woman care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. What's worse than eating your grandmother's pussy?
A. Banging your head on the coffin lid.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. Women cook - they eat; women clean - they dirty; women iron - they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill the male spiders after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A. When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.
Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay church?
A. Only half the congregation is kneeling.
Q. What does a pussy and a grapefruit have in common?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.
Q. What's the approximate Square Root of 69?
A. Eight Something
Q. What do John F. Kennedy Jr. and a penguin have in common?
A. They're both cute to look at, but neither one can fly worth a damn.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a
bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between a pitbull and a female lawyer?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Where does Virgin wool come from?
A. Ugly Sheep.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A. It keeps the foreskin from crawling up over their faces.
Q. What's the difference between circumcision and crucifixion?
A. In crucifixion, they throw the whole Jew away.
Q. What do you call a fart in the men's room of a gay bar?
A. A love call.
Q. Why do women get PMS?
A. Because they deserve it.
Q. How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
A. Enough to make a bone eight inches long.
Q. How do you turn a washing machine into a snowplough?
A. Give the bitch a shovel.
Q. Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A. Leave it, it's Beaver.
Q. Why did the Clintons decide to name their dog Buddy?
A. Because nobody wanted to yell, "Come, Spot," out loud.
Q. How can you tell you're in a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table doesn't have balls!
Q. What's the difference between medium and rare?
A. 5 to 7 inches is medium, ten to twelve is rare.
Q. Why did the cops in New York take the emergency number '911' off their cop cars?
A. Puerto Ricans kept stealing them thinking they were Porsches!
Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.
Q. What's the similarity between a woman's cunt and a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who the fuck's used it before you.
Q: How do you circumcise a Redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see either one.
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How do deaf people have phone sex?
A: By fax.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you once your dead.
Q: How are women and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.
Q: What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest
A: Acne doesn't come over your face until your 15.
Q: Why don't roosters have hands?
A: Chickens don't have tits.
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So, you think you have an open mind? You believe that it takes a lot to offend you? Well there's nothing I like more than a challenge
(actually there's a shit load of things a like more than a challenge, but that
doesn't sound anywhere near as good).
Anyway, since you were so persistent (don't argue the point with me here) about being
so damn accepting of everything, I decided to put it to the test.
So go on I dare you, read them all without squirming at least once or shaking your head in
abject disappointment.
OK, so I just had a shit load of bad one-liners and had no where else to put them.
So shoot me (psychos who take everything literally, please ignore the last comment
(the one about shooting me)).
OH yeah, the name One Liner Pantheon, don't you think it gives it a classy feel
(remember where talking about the name and look here, not the jokes).
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