Rules that govern our everyday life
  1. If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong, and at the worse possible time.
  2. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
    Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
  3. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
  4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
  5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  6. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  7. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
  8. Mother nature is a bitch.
  9. You will always find something in the last place you look.
  10. After you bought a replacement for something you've lost and searched for everywhere, you'll find the original.
  11. No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
  12. The other line always moves faster.
  13. In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
  14. Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.
  15. If you try to improve anything that works you will screw it up.
  16. If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
  17. When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
  18. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
  19. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
  20. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
  21. There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
  22. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
  23. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
  24. Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.
  25. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
  26. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
  27. Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
  28. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  29. No good deed goes unpunished.
  30. Where patience fails, force prevails.
  31. If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it.
  32. If you think you are doing the right thing, it will back-fire in your face.
  33. Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.
  34. Any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again.
  35. Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone.
  36. The worst golf shots always occur when playing with someone you are trying to impress.
  37. The fish are always biting....yesterday
  38. You will never leave a parking space without someone in an adjacent space leaving at the same time.
  39. The cost of the getting your hair done is directly related to the strength of the wind.
  40. Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten.
  41. The clothes washer/dryer will only eat one of each pair of socks.
  42. When you see light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel will cave in.
  43. Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want.
  44. Whatever you want to do, is Not possible, what ever is possible for you to do, you don't want to do it.
  45. The density of traffic is inversely proportional to how late you are, or are going to be.
  46. The complexity and frustration of a project is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish, and how important it is.
  47. The probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions
  48. If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you wake up with smelly fingers.
  49. If you are willing to stake your reputation on something, you will lose your reputation.
  50. You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost.
  51. Those who know the least will always know it the loudest.
  52. A person without values or standards can never be a hypocrite.
  53. Garbage abhors a vacuum. It will grow to fill available space.
    Corollary: The more space you have, the more junk you'll have.
  54. Paper is always strongest at the perforation.
  55. Never let go of something until you have a hold of something else.
  56. A bird in the hand is messy.
  57. The mud that won't come off on the doormat will immediately adhere to the carpet.
  58. When you wear new shoes for the first time, everyone will step on them.
  59. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  60. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  61. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  62. Everything takes longer than you think.
  63. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
  64. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
  65. Every solution breeds new problems.
  66. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
  • The Xerox Law of Copiers

    The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
    The chances of double sided copying working is directly inverse to the number of pages to be copied.

  • Rules of the Open Road

    When waiting for traffic, when one lane clears the other is congested.
    When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that:
    1. the two cars are going in opposite directions, and
    2. they will always meet at the bridge.
  • First Law of Thermodynamics

    Things get worse under pressure.

  • Law of Selective Research

    Enough research will tend to support any theory.

  • Rule of Accuracy:

    When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
    Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

  • Laws of Airline Travel

    The distance to your departure gate is directly proportional to the weight of your carry on luggage and inversely proportional to the time remaining before your flight.

  • Laws of Selective Gravitation.
    1. The chance of the buttered side of the bread falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
    2. A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.
    3. A shatterproof object will always fall on the only surface hard enough to crack or break it.
    4. A paint drip will always find the hole in the newspaper and land on the carpet underneath.
    5. A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) - unless it is running, in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot).
    6. If a dish is dropped while removing it from the cupboard, it will hit the sink, breaking the dish and chipping or denting the sink in the process.
    7. A valuable dropped item will always fall into an inaccessible place (a diamond ring down the drain, for example) - or into the garbage disposal while it is running.
    8. If you use a pole saw to saw a limb while standing on an aluminum ladder borrowed from your neighbor, the limb will fall in such a way as to bend the ladder before it knocks you to the ground.
    9. If you pick up a chunk of broken concrete and try to pitch it into an adjacent lot, it will hit a tree limb and come down right on the driver's side of your car windshield.
    10. The greater the value of the rug, the greater the probability that the cat will throw up on it.
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