Once upon a time ,on the edge of the enchanted forest ,there lived a beautiful girl called Red. Red lived in a small cottage with her parents and attended the local high school where she was well loved by her teachers and well screwed by the football team.
Deep inside the forest in a cute little house by a babbling brook lived Red's grandmother. Granny managed to get by with her fortnightly pension which she incremented by selling drugs to the local dwarfs and catching fairies and selling them to sex starved elves. Life was ideal for Red and Granny and they both looked forward to Red's weekly visits when they cooked hash browns and tried the latest in marital aides.
Also in the enchanted forest lived a wolf ,normally big and bad but lately just strungout and seedy. The wolf who had a liking for dwarfs (eating them that is) ,and because of the dwarfs liking for Granny's drug cocktails, had himself become addicted to Granny's goodtime recipes.
One Saturday morning Red packed up her picnic basket and headed into the forest to Granny's. Along the way stopped to pick some gold-tops and nab a couple of fairies who had gone to the assistance of a distressed bird. Life at that very moment seemed perfect to Red. She had a basket full of home grown gunga and gold tops, a few fairies for pocket money and the latest in battery operated appliances. Little did she realise that lurking in the bushes around the corner was the jittering and not too friendly wolf.
Red rounded the corner and came face to face with the sweating wolf. Boldly she look him in the eye and enquired as to his intentions. The slathering canine pointed to her basket and asked if she had something to easy his tension. Red threw him a mushroom and told him to see Granny later with some cold hard cash if he needed fixing and then she skipped off on her way to Granny's house. 
Red should never have given the mushroom to the wolf as it had a strange effect on the wolf's already demented mind. Quickly racing through the forest at break neck speed the wolf easily out-paced Red to Granny's house and burst through the front door. Granny was at the sink de-winging fairies for sale that afternoon and didn't stand a chance as the wolf lunged at her ,smashing her frail body against the wall. Again and again the wolf lunged until Granny's frail body could take no more and her heart gave out. The wolf was unsatisfied with this outcome ( and feeling slightly peckish from has exertions) and so decided to eat her. He sliced her up with a carving knife and made, and ate, Granny and fairy sandwiches while he waited for Red to arrive. Just as he finished the last of the soggy red repast Red knocked on the door. 
Come in said the wolf jumping into Granny's bed. Red walked into the dimly lit room and saw the lump in the bed. Thinking that Granny had started without her she leapt onto the bed and started to unpack her latest devices. The wolf peered over the bedcovers and noticed that Red wasn't wearing underwear and immediately became excited. Red looked up and saw the drooling carnivore and thought something wasn't quite right. 
'What big eyes you have' said Red noticing the ogling orbs. 
'Drugs' said the wolf 
'And what big ears you have ' said Red, surprised that she'd never noticed them before. 
'Wrestling' said the wolf. 
'What a huge tongue you have' said Red excitedly. 
'All the better to eat you with' said the wolf. 
By this time it had finally dawned on Red that this was in fact not Granny and after an invitation like that Red needed no further encouragement. She leapt straight onto the wolf's face and writhed in pleasure as the wolf thrashed about on the bed. 
Just as Red thought life's great climax was about to arrive the door burst open and there stood a woodsman ,axe in hand. He rushed to the bed ,pushed Red away from the gasping wolf and proceeded to attack the supine canine with his trusty axe. 
The Slaughter was brief but bloody. Soon all that was left of the was a tangle of red matted fur and bone fragments. The Axeman stood covered in blood looking proudly at his handiwork. Red stood quietly sobbing in the corner, sad to have lost what was shaping up to be the greatest thrill of her life. 
As is the way in the enchanted forest the axeman claimed Red for his wife and he lived happily ever after. Red of course didn't and spent the rest of her days straight, miserable and with a pencil dicked loon with an axe.
The moral of this story is a simple one . Sometimes it's better to be eaten by wolves.

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