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DEAR CURTIS: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex
with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough
of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue,
this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If
you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his
behaviour.
DEAR CURTIS: My husband continually asks me to perform oral
sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives
a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to
perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful
for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
DEAR CURTIS: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other
men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair
, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing
to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
DEAR CURTIS: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
DEAR CURTIS: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
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DEAR CURTIS: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present and cook him a delicious meal.
DEAR CURTIS: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
DEAR CURTIS: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
DEAR CURTIS: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
DEAR CURTIS: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
DEAR CURTIS: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
DEAR CURTIS: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
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