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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true Dr Curtis?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.
Q: Dr Curtis, should I cut down on meat and
eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Dr Curtis are there any advantages in
participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: Dr Curtis, if I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.
If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Dr Curtis, will sit-ups help prevent me from
getting a bigger around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is beer or wine bad for me Dr Curtis?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all
know, science divides everything in the world into three categories animal,
mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and
they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: Dr Curtis, how can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: I've heard that fried foods are bad for you, is
this true Dr Curtis?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to spot for him while he did
the bench press. What did he mean Dr Curtis?
A: Spotting for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your
shorts. Its an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it
becomes the ONLY reason why you are going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate
your exercise program.
Q: Dr Curtis, what's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
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